here lies a great employee

work is a pile of horse shit. there i said it, i know you were thinking it. yes its review time and it is amazing how allowing jobs to choose me instead of choosing jobs has lead me down a path of unhappy. and yes i feel fortunate to have a job, to have income to pay the bills and have really good health care. here comes the but. BUT that is all i have with it. is that all it is suppose to be, maybe.

when you spend a minimum of 12 hours (1 hour home prep / 1- 1.5 hours commuting/ 8+ hours toiling / 1 - 1.5 hours commuting/ 2 hour with in the bottle and feedbag on the couch decompressing) at a place ... well that is just most of your life.

i can not bring myself to believe that my personal growth is dependent on how confidently i present a project status. that what i need in my life is to increase my presence with the marketing team. that somehow i will be filled with pride once i interject more in operations meetings. that i will be overjoyed when i am more detailed with quick responses about inventory.

i am still living someone else's life. the person who can believe and find importance with these things is not the person that i am. every day i am fighting off my core. trying to quiet my inner self and appeasing it with a nintendo ds, a new ipod and a psp. i feel kinda corney saying this but its like i am bribing my inner child with toys.

you can not buy self love