my bag

to the person who asked "have you been blogging"? i said not really because it was true at the time. and i know that meant you had been reading and that's cool. i guess you know that i am NOT a republican, and don't care for republican politics. since we never discussed politics, it may have come as a shock, and that is quite sad. not because we never discussed politics together, rather that i had hoped the essence of my being screamed lefty. but i had been so shady for so long, hiding pieces of myself to cope with the stiffness of corporate amerikkka.

i have found that in order to breath in your life, you have to hide. acceptance is fleeting and no one really wants to hear the whole truth, including yourself. we all have to swallow a shard of fiction now and then to function within lives that do not validate or appreciate every angle of our self.

for instance, i bought a bag recently about 2 weeks ago. i have been in turmoil over this thing. it has many different angles. it is a beautiful fashionable piece cutting edge 4 seasons ago, another piece of junk to clutter my house, a ghetto girl purchase symbolizing material excess without planning and savings, a privileged consumer wasting money while people starve, a selfish stance if i return it my sister could have used the money and just a handbag. its all how you look at it, its all who you tell and how you tell.

now its not prada or chanel and i bought it on sale. see i am still justifying its existence. yesterday i thought, see this is why you will never ever get out of the rat race, cause you have to go and buy a stupid bag. if returning it would free me from this life, i would do it. there is no magic wand for this no matter how hard i wave my hands or wiggle my nose, the elephant does not disappear.

i work doing something i despise. with people, except for rok, mspob, iole, rina and a few others, that i would never consider speaking. giving power to those who i find reprehensible, idiotic and disrespectful is nauseating. thinking about people's feelings who consider me to be beneath them, brews an inconsolable resentment and a crippling anger.

my hands hurt and my nose aches.