cape fear

it has been 2 days since i declared that i wanted to be a writer, and now i can hardly write. my fingers have become frozen stones, struggling to depress keys. my mind is locked with anticipated failure and poor grammar. C-, D+, red lines and "see me after class".

when i was younger, i decided that i was not going to A-s in english, once i was assured of a B+, i stopped trying. i left that for my sister. she received every single award when she graduated elementary school; english, social science and math. they even made a special award for her, outstanding achievement. i was a year behind her. needless to say, i didn't have a snowballs chance to meet her accomplishments. smart yes, genius no.

so i resigned myself, do well in social studies let go of the rest and let go i did. trafton jones took home the math award (i mean how cool of a name is trafton jones), michelle simon received the english award, and i snagged the social science. it was good stuff, i even argued with the teacher that i should have gotten the english award, just for sport.

high school was much of the same deal. cruising along getting my B+ in english then one day a teacher approached me. why don't you try harder she said. i was like what the hell do you want, i mean a B+ is good. my mom didn't complain. my sister was the smarter one and i was the above average more social kid. it worked for me.

in retrospect i can see that my college courses were english. creative writing was wonderful, and i even broke my rule for it. i got my first A in english. i can no longer deny my feelings writing. the demons must be released. ready to learn, ready to excel. ready for more A-s.